By Tricia L. Ryan, LPC NCC

How often do you find yourself saying "yes" when you really wanted to say "no"? Are you always going out of your way to accommodate others, even at the expense of your own well-being? Maybe you have a chameleon-like ability to mirror the behavior of others to gain acceptance or avoid conflict?

In the realm of trauma responses, the fight-flight-freeze trifecta often takes center stage. But there's another player in the game: the fawn response.

Unlike its more conspicuous counterparts, the fawn response is characterized by a tendency to appease, please, or placate others in order to avoid conflict or maintain safety.

What is the Fawn Response?

Pete Walker, a psychotherapist, is credited with introducing the term "fawn" as an unconscious response to trauma, distinct from “fight”, “flight”, or “freeze”.

People who have been socialized to believe that their worth is contingent upon their ability to meet the needs of others, (or who have been consistently rewarded for compliant behavior), may be more likely to exhibit fawning tendencies.

According to Walker, people who display the fawn response “seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs, and demands of others.”

This instinct to fawn, or seek safety through compliance and submission, is a survival strategy that might have arisen from a history of trauma or adverse childhood events.

Distinguishing the Fawn Response from Fight, Flight, and Freeze

While fight, flight, and freeze reactions are geared towards confronting or escaping a threat, the fawn response takes a different approach. Instead of engaging in direct confrontation or fleeing the scene, individuals exhibiting fawning behaviors may prioritize keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, often at their own expense.

If you grew up in an environment where your needs were consistently invalidated or where there was a lack of safety, you may be more prone to developing fawning behaviors as a coping mechanism.

It’s not your fault— in fact, it might have kept you safe at the time. But it can become exhausting going to such great lengths to avoid confrontation or disagreement— not to mention the pain of compromising your own needs, authenticity, or identity.

Spotting the Signs of Fawning Behaviors

People-Pleasing Overdrive: Constantly putting others' needs before your own, even to the detriment of your well-being, could be a sign of fawning behavior.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Struggling to assert yourself or feeling guilty when saying "no" can indicate a tendency to fawn in order to maintain harmony in relationships.
Ignoring Personal Needs: Neglecting self-care or suppressing your own desires and emotions to accommodate others' preferences can be a form of fawning.

Where To Go From Here

Recognizing and acknowledging fawning behaviors is the first step towards reclaiming agency and fostering healthier boundaries. Here are some strategies to help navigate the complexities of the fawn response:

Self-Compassion: Practice kindness, forgiveness, and understanding towards yourself as you explore and address patterns of fawning behavior.
Boundary Setting: Learn to assert your needs and establish clear boundaries in your relationships, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Seek Support: Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, reaching out for support can provide validation and guidance on your journey towards healing.

Closing Thoughts: Embracing Your Authentic Self

Once you begin to recognize your tendency to fawn, you may find that it’s easier to navigate relationship challenges and understand your reactions to stress. By acknowledging and addressing your fawning behaviors with compassion and intentionality, you can take meaningful steps towards reclaiming your autonomy and nurturing authentic connections. Being in relationships doesn’t have to mean ignoring all your needs.

Remember, you are not your trauma.

Your trauma is what happened to you.

And your trauma responses were what kept you safe.

When you feel ready to cope differently and begin to heal, keep in mind that you hold the power to rewrite your narrative and cultivate a life guided by authenticity and self-compassion. You no longer have to sacrifice your needs for safety.

Please reach out through my website if you’d like to explore this work in therapy.

Be Well,