By Tricia L. Ryan, LPC, NCC

How would it feel to read a transcript of your inner voice for an entire day?

Would your friends and family be shocked to hear how harshly and critically you speak to yourself internally?

The topics of self-esteem and self-talk come up so frequently in my work as a counselor. Regardless of the reasons a person has sought therapy, self-esteem is nearly always something I discuss with clients. This is because it shapes so much of what we do: how we relate to others, how we make decisions, and how we cope with adversity.

Self-esteem includes the set of beliefs you hold about your own worth. Those beliefs generally begin with our primary caregivers (often parents), and then solidify through years and years of self-talk about our competence, worthiness, and deservingness of love.

Self-talk broadly includes our inner thoughts, beliefs, and biases. You can think of self-talk as your inner voice. And even if you’re not consciously aware of it, it’s always there in the background: narrating the events of your day, categorizing things as positive or negative, and shaping your perspective.

There are a multitude of factors that contribute in varying degrees to our self esteem, but one proven method for boosting your self-esteem is examining and reframing your self-talk. Why? Because the way we internally speak to ourselves matters. This is intuitive if you turn the example outwards and consider how intentional we try to be in the way we speak to those who mean the most to us: our children, parents, partner, or best friend.

You’ve probably heard of the self-talk strategy of comforting yourself the same way you would comfort a dear friend. This technique often surprises people, because it draws attention to the incredibly critical and cruel things we tell ourselves. We’d be mortified to speak these harsh words aloud toward our loved ones– so why is it so easy to berate ourselves?

In studies of people who report overall high self-esteem and positive mental health outcomes, one trait we tend to find is that these individuals trust their own judgment. Practically speaking, this means that people with high self-esteem understand they aren’t perfect, but they believe in their own ‘internal compass’ to steer them in the right direction. You can see how this ties into self-talk. If you constantly insult and criticize yourself, a logical consequence is that you’ll doubt your own judgment and not think too highly of yourself.

In fact, this is often what leads many people to seek therapy. In my work with people who deal with anxiety and depression, I help clients understand how their self-talk can actually make their clinical symptoms feel harder to manage. On the other hand, showing yourself genuine compassion when your symptoms appear can boost your resilience and help you cope a little easier. Self-talk won’t make your problems disappear, but it can certainly set the tone for how you manage whatever challenges come your way.

Learning to speak to yourself with compassion is a lesson that usually takes a lifetime to learn and relearn. But this isn't bad news. In fact, it makes a lot of sense: as we grow older, evolve, and gain new perspectives on life, it's natural to expect that the topics we spend time thinking about will change. What's interesting is that the underlying themes of our inner thoughts tend to remain the same.

Think back to your life ten years ago. What were your greatest fears at that time? Your secret hopes? Your deepest insecurities? Chances are, your self-talk revolved around these topics. Although many of your situational stressors from a decade ago may have been replaced by new concerns, the main themes of your self talk are likely similar.

Therapists often refer to these primary themes or concerns as 'core wounds,’ and I highly recommend working with a counselor to get to the root of what those wounds might be for you. It can be complicated to untangle the ways your upbringing impacted the way you view yourself, others, and the world. This is why I suggest tackling those questions with a qualified professional.

Luckily, focusing on your self-talk is work you can begin any time:

If you haven’t yet found a strategy that works for you, my first tip is: get a journal! To understand your self-talk, you need to see and understand exactly what it is you’re telling yourself.
Use a physical journal if you can, or start a note in your phone called “self-talk”. If you think you’ll forget to take notes throughout the day, set a timer on your phone for 4 or 5 different checkpoints. When the timer goes off, take a moment to jot down the last few things that happened, as well as what you told yourself about it.
Use first-person language, and be as specific as you can. (Ex: My boss found two spelling errors in the proposal I sent. I’m such an idiot! This is why I’ll never get promoted).
Don’t overthink what you’re writing. The most important thing is to be accurate and honest about what you’re telling yourself.
Where you go from there is up to you. One technique is simply to read over what you’ve written at the end of the day, and see what this brings up for you. It can be very powerful to write a journal entry immediately after reading all the things you’ve said to yourself.
If you feel able, read your entries aloud. (Again, this technique can bring up some painful feelings, so make sure you’re working with a counselor if you notice this is difficult for you). Sometimes reading the voice of our ‘inner critic’ aloud can actually give us some perspective on where it came from and how it no longer serves us.
Most importantly, don’t forget the positive. Pick a few critical things you noticed you’ve told yourself, and see if you can rewrite those phrases into something more encouraging. The idea here is not to ‘trick yourself’ into feeling better, but rather to redirect yourself toward growth and progress. (Ex: instead of “I’m such an idiot,” try “Everyone messes up sometimes. I’ll remember to do this differently next time”).

When someone you really care about makes a mistake, your immediate reaction is to console them, encourage them, and support them.

Don’t you deserve the same?

Be well,